Pat Robertson and the Wrath of Odin

My own little tribute to the guys at "The Onion"....

(AP) Salisbury, England

Speaking from his state-of-the-art television studios near Stonehenge, British Southern Conservative Pagan broadcaster Pat Robertson announced yesterday to millions of his English listeners that American Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent health scare and extended history of heart trouble was the result of “the wrath of Odin, High God of the Vikings.”

Robertson continued his broadcast by quoting the ancient Norse scriptures: “Odin hates those who desecrate his land.” He concluded by saying, “Those who make themselves mere playthings in the hands of Loki, The Evil Trickster, will receive their just reward.”

The “environmentally correct” Southern Conservative Pagans have gained significant influence well beyond their numbers over the past 10 years in the UK. The rule of the current British Conservative Party depends on an unlikely alliance of Southern Conservative Pagans, Big Business, and Secular Libertarians.

SCP believers combine worship of the traditional Norse pantheon with an indigenous adoration of trees. They differentiate themselves from the 'relaxed' mainline Reformed Pagans who include the worship of shrubbery and certain potted plants.

Robertson began his career as a lawyer but converted to Southern Conservative Paganism in his twenties and decided that television was the wave of the future. He founded the “Clone Broadcasting Network” (CBN) on a shoestring budget but saw it grow into a religious media giant in Britain. In a recent interview he thanked the “millions of clones who watch us and send in a pound at a time. It sure adds up.”

Spokesmen for Cheney as well as politicians, business leaders, and citizens in his home state of Wyoming responded sharply to Robertson’s comments.

“Mr. Robertson has always been a friend of the great state of Wyoming. I’m surprised and disappointed by his comments. He slandered Dick Cheney, one of our greatest native sons,” said Governor Brick Manly. Just hours after Manly’s comments, the Wyoming legislature voted to bar Wyoming businesses from working with Robertson and CBN.

Southern Conservatives believe the pagan scriptures point to Brokeneck Mountain in Wyoming as the birth place of The High Lord Odin and the forest spirits who created all the trees in the world.

They also believe those same scriptures identify Wyoming as the place where all history will end in a climactic battle between pagan environmentalists and cattle ranchers.

In their view of the end times, the SCP contends that Odin will smite pretty widely. “If you haven’t treated trees with respect you’re probably toast,” a current elder in the SCP movement commented off the record. “After you’re slain your body will be recycled and used to fertilize an organic vegetable garden. Your essence will probably end up in a shopping cart at Whole Foods.”

As a result of their end times beliefs the SCP movement threw their considerable financial and political influence behind the decidedly non-environmentally friendly Dick Cheney and other powers-that-be in Wyoming in order to get a foothold in the Promised Land. Until Robertson’s comments, the strategy appeared to be working effectively.

The first step in the SCP long-term plan is the construction of “Cloneland,” a tourist center and religious theme park in Wyoming aimed at SCP pilgrims and tourists to the Holy Land. Work has already begun

SCP insiders have revealed, however, that Cheney’s appalling environmental record finally drove Robertson over the top.

Early today Robertson, under pressure from the money behind Cloneland, apologized to Lynn Cheney. “I still believe your husband is under the avenging Hammer of Thor. But I now realize my comments may have appeared insensitive to potential investors. I'm truly sorry for my untimely remarks.”