Ray Guns

The A-410 Neutralization Device Prototype

Washington (AP)

A day after revealing the development of a new military "ray gun" that harmlessly neutralizes enemy combatants by making them "feel as if they are about to catch fire," the Pentagon announced this morning another in a line of new experimental weapons that “disarm the enemy without the need to take human life.”

Pentagon spokesman Bull Meachum hailed the new weapons as ‘the dawning of a new day for the U.S. military.”

“Why needlessly risk the lives of our own servicemen, innocent civilians, and even enemy combatants if we can get the bad guys to drop their weapons and surrender without using lethal force? If this works we won’t see anymore ‘Join the Army, See the World, Meet New People, Kill Them’ t-shirts. We believe we can win the battle for hearts and minds with this new generation of military technology.”

Meachum unveiled the new A-410 Neutralization Device Prototype, nicknamed “The Cheney Ray” by Department of Defense staffers.

“The A-410 utilizes finely tuned microwaves projected in a 20 foot wide beam that can effectively reach targets up to the 400 yards away,” said Meachum.

“The non-lethal beam affects the frontal cortex of enemy combatants, disorienting them by convincing them they are the President or Vice President of the United States or a member of Congress. Combatants targeted by the beam immediately seek deferment from military service for themselves and their children.”

Meachum said the Defense Department is pleased with progress on the weapon system but that engineers are still ‘working out some glitches.”

“We field tested the device against Islamist militants in Iraq and Somalia recently. Unfortunately, along with disarming enemy combatants the A-410 also induced endless speeches and cloying insincerity from the combatants after capture. After a few days of listening to that kind of annoying verbal and social assault, our troops were tempted to shoot them. Obviously, killing captured combatants would undermine the non-lethal value added of the device. We’re working on eliminating that side effect and we’re confident the A-410 will be ready for production and field use by 2010.”