Enjoy Your Flight

"In the Event of An Emergency Kiss Your Ass Goodbye!"

I’ve wracked up quite a few miles on a lot of airlines around the world.

Here are some facts about flying commercially that most people don’t know:

• Flying at 35 to 40 thousand feet without the protection of the bulk of the atmosphere, passengers are exposed to a whole lot of solar radiation, particularly on long international flights that often get close to the north pole. If you’re a frequent international flier and you eventually mutate into a 100 foot tall freak that attacks downtown Las Vegas you’ll know why.

• About 15 minutes into the flight the captain turns off the seat belt sign while offhandedly suggesting that you keep your seatbelt fastened even while you’re sleeping. Nobody pays attention but unexpected clear air turbulence occasionally throws food carts that weigh hundreds of pounds against the overhead luggage compartments and ceiling of the plane.

• No one has ever survived the emergency landing of a wide bodied aircraft on water in the history of aviation. So no worries about the parts of the safety spiel concerning the flotation devices under your seat or the emergency slides that will double as life rafts. The bright yellow ‘life-jackets’ are meant to make it easier for recovery teams to spot the corpses. If you’d like to increase the chances your remains will be found and identified wear the life jacket. If you don’t care one way or the other, forget about the damn thing and finish watching the movie or get right with God as the plane goes down.

• The flight attendants will also tell you to adopt a head-down fetal position in the event of a crash landing. The stall speed of a modern commercial airliner guarantees it will hit the ground with terminal velocity so you’ll be toast no matter what you do. Getting head down and fetal does tend to preserve dental data. So again, if you want to be identified definitely follow instructions. If you don’t care one way or the other, stand up and dance in your seat or even moon the other passengers. Might as well have some fun on the way out.