Thursday, September 07, 2006

Bush Administration Recalled to Heaven

Washington (CNN)

After the sudden disappearance “in the wink of an eye into the sky” of President Bush, key administration officials, and the Republican leadership of both the House and Senate, Divine Management Corporation announced it had ‘recalled’ the group to “fix some dangerous wiring problems.”

At 9:45 am (EST) shocked White House and congressional staffers watched in awe as the entire Republican national leadership “was caught up into the clouds” according to congressional staffer Judy Wilson.

“It was, like, they were going about their business one second and then boom, their clothes fell off and they started rising into the clouds. There were piles of Armani suits and Gucci shoes all over the place,” recalled Wilson.

A Senate staffer, Ed Grimsley, recounted his thoughts at the time: “We were all stunned, of course. The worst part was watching a bunch of overweight white guys in their birthday suits rising up to heaven. Not pretty.”

Some eyewitnesses reported a naked and visibly shaken Donald Rumsfeld shouting as he rose up, “My God, I’m an Episcopalian! There must be some mistake!”

Department of Defense Offices 9:46 am

As word of the unprecedented event spread, fundamentalist Christian leaders proclaimed it the beginning of ‘the rapture.’ Many Christians believe the faithful will be raised into the sky to meet Jesus, an event they believe signals the beginning of the end of the world.

Just hours after the stunning event, Jerry Falwell spoke on nationwide radio from his Liberty University office: “God has taken the most righteous first. I’m a little disappointed and surprised I’m still here, but I rejoice in the Lord that we’ll all meet Him in the sky soon. I can tell you’ve I’ve canceled all of my appointments for this week.”

But Anjel Gabriel, spokesperson for Divine Management Corporation, dismissed those claims as “misguided” and “unfortunate” in an international news conference held this afternoon in the nation’s capitol.

“Let’s not get our underwear all in a bunch over this. It's just a recall event. We’ve determined there are serious and dangerous faulty wiring problems on these particular models. In light of our long track record of concern for the highest consumer safety standards, we decided to recall them immediately and make repairs. Once we’ve had a chance to rewire them correctly and our CEO has had a long talk with these models to straighten a few things out, we’ll return them at the earliest possible date. Thank you for your patience.”

Democratic leaders were privately delighted and hoped to lobby DMC to delay the Republican return until after the fall elections.

But a Democratic political analyst who requested anonymity scoffed at the idea the recall would have any significant effect on the outcome of the November congressional contests. “We’re so lame we’ll find a way to screw even this up!”

3 Comments:

Blogger Eric said...

As usual, I love the satire. Predictable of me, perhaps, but this was still a great post.

E

4:19 PM  
Blogger 3wishes said...

First an email about Bush's Lie Clock being used as a ceiling fan in Jesus'office and now this lol I love me some computer today

10:19 AM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

Yeah, my son Andrew told me about the lie clock thing. Harsh, but pretty funny!

12:34 PM  

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