Heart to Heart

Haven’t seen you at my evil underground lair for over a year. Did you bring Daddy the gift I’ve been waiting for? You know, the Saudi Arabian miniature terriers willing to blow themselves up in airports for an imagined eternity of endless kibbles and bits and females in heat.


Look, I only swung by because I need a big check for the 2006 mid-term elections. I brought you an 8x10 glossy of George W.


Throw me a frickin’ bone here.

I give and give and give some more and ask for nothing but a pack of explosive fundamentalist miniatures and you bring me a picture of the only guy with approval ratings lower than mine! I’ve been way too soft with you, mister. That’s where this disrespect comes from.

Your grandfather was a relentlessly self-promoting boulangerie owner from Belgium with a penchant for beating me endlessly with week old baguettes. Sort of like the current Republican Party if you get my clever and thinly disguised metaphorical meaning.

But I went with the quote unquote “new parenting” movement. Clandestine "time out" holding cells in Eastern Europe when you were disobedient, attack dogs to terrify you into submission and water boarding when you wouldn’t tell Daddy what he wanted to know.

Nothing like the really stern stuff my father used on me. Doesn’t even qualify for torture. Standard stuff, really. Oh well, spare the cattle prod, spoil the child.


I’m sick of being pushed around!


Boo hoo. Someone’s a little sensitive, isn’t he?

I’ve been following your quote unquote “career,” Karl.

Daddy’s very disappointed.

You had a chance to be truly evil. Exquisitely evil. Supremely evil.

But you insisted on lying and manipulating to get a bunch of inconsequential and irritating politicians elected. What a waste of genetically engineered talent.


But daddy, I’ve cynically turned an entire religious movement into a partisan and reliable vote delivery system. It’s all about winning with me. Whatever it takes.

And I've got a cross-mojination plan to steal the real enemy’s mojo for a generation. If I succeed one party will control the country for decades on end. What could be more destructive?


Karl,...Karl. Listen to yourself! Where did I go wrong as a father?

We could rule a truly evil empire side by side. Imagine it for a moment.

Threatening to introduce psychologically unbalanced alien pathogens with poor social skills into the world’s condiment supplies unless the United Nations pays us one million dollars.

Vaporizing the Indian Ocean, thus dropping global sea levels hundreds of feet and exposing damp new seaside property wide open for our evil development.

Kidnapping Hugo Chavez, brainwashing him, and turning him into a WalMart sales rep for Latin America.

Just think what you’re missing out on.

I always told you when you were a boy, “Never settle for anything less than fully evil.”

You’ve settled, Karl.

I hate to say it, but you’ve become merely semi-evil. Quasi-evil. Demi-evil. You’re the Bud Light of evil.


(storming out of the evil lair) I can't take it anymore! I'm out of here! I wish I was never created in the evil marketing lab!


Oh, Karl, come back. It hurts Daddy when you say that. Honestly, it does.

Oh well, I guess this means spending another Christmas without family. One more in a long line of dreary holiday seasons surrounded by homicidal cybernetic elves and bi-polar henchmen dressed up like reindeer. Sigggghhhh….