Tuesday, October 24, 2006

There's No Place Like Home


Welcome once again to Focus on Your Embarrassing Family. I'm your host, James Dobson.

Just a reminder to our faithful viewers to buy my books Love Must Be Tough, Tough Love Must Be, Must Love Be Tough?, Be Tough Love Must, and Bringing Up Boys Who Won't Turn Out To Be Fairies.

Though we always avoid politics and stick with the psycho-pastoral dimension here at FOYEF, I want to welcome an important political guest tonite. Many of you will be surprised and pleased to meet one of today's most important public figures.

She's here to announce that she won't be running for president in 2008!

I'd like you all to give our first time guest, Senator Hillary Clinton, a warm Christian welcome. You can just lay hands on the remote and say a special prayer for a lost sheep.




Thank you so much for your gracious introduction, Pastor Dobson.



Frankly, Senator Clinton, I'm shocked by the way you look. None of us have ever seen you this way before.



Well, to be honest, Pastor Dobson, that's exactly why I'm here.

I thought I was an exceptionally bright, courageous and well-meaning woman over the years. I believed I was a committed and god-fearing Methodist since childhood and someone who has advanced women's interests as much as anybody in the past decades. But now I realize I was just fooling myself.

After listening to your wise psycho-pastoral insights for the past few years and reading your books, I've realized I've been living a lie. I've seen the light! I've found the courage to allow God and his NASCAR followers to define me rather than insisting on that false image I always thought was really me.

I just didn't understand a woman's place.

I don't mean to shock your audience, but I've worshipped at the altar of the hairy female leg and have offended against nature and the order of things.

Yes, I admit it! I'm really a witch!! I'm a catty, power hungry bitch!!! I'm a grasping, man hating feminist!!!! (sobs quietly into camera)

But I sincerely want to change. I now realize you cannot serve both Mother Jones and the Lord High God.

And for the good of the country, for heaven's sakes, I can't run for president. My sweet Lord, what would happen if a joker like Kim Jong Il pulled some nuclear stunt during that time of the month? We could end up in WW3 over PMS. It's truly frightening!




Oh, dear, dear Hillary. My faithful viewers and I have known it all along in our hearts. By revealing your true self you've taken the right first step toward healing. I admire your courage in repenting here before my national audience. You're close to the Kingdom, indeed



I knew you would understand. I wanted to come clean here today with the kind of people who've always really understood me.



How easily we're all fooled.

Many of my Republican friends in Washington told me you're one of the most reasonable and deferential people in the Senate toward your male colleagues and that even the Republican senators like and deeply respect you. Karl Rove actually tried to order Republican senators to stop cooperating with you because working with you would enhance your presidential chances. They ignored him.

I was even starting to think I might have been wrong about you and that I might have to reconsider my hostility to feminism.

But you know, putting my biases and prejudices front and center has never let me down. I should have known better!




My spirit wants to do the right thing, Psycho-Pastor Dobson.

But my flesh says, "Yeah, the bitch is back in town! I want to be president! Why can't a woman have a shot at running things for once?! What have we got to lose?!" I shock myself with the kinds of things that go through my mind!

I've even thought of running for president with Barak Obama as my vice-presidential running mate. Are you aware he's a negro, Pastor Dobson?

Oh, what's happened to me?! How could I have let it go on so long?




You're struggling with your sin nature, near-sister Hillary. You'll have to subdue the flesh with the help of my latest compassionate conservative DVD, Submission to White Republican Men is Tough or its companion DVD, Bringing Up Girls Who Won't Turn Out To Be Feminist Witches That Run for President With Ambiguously Liberal Negroes.



Oh, Pastor Dobson, I don't want a political career! I just want to be loved by God and the NASCAR people the way you and Dorothy and Toto are. Nobody wants to be thought of as a bitch all their lives. I just don't have the strength to take it anymore! Will I ever be able to stop being a grasping witch?



Well, there is a way....

Just get out of politics. Shave that unsightly stubble off your legs. Put on the ruby slippers.

Then click your heels together and repeat over and over again, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home...."

10 Comments:

Anonymous Jon said...

Do you really want Hilary for president?

I think that I woulde have liked a McCain/Rice ticket, although I don't think that's likely to happen. I would have wanted Warner the most out of the democratic possibilities, but I don't think he's likely to run either. Once again, I very much doubt I'll end up supporting either candidate for the office.

2:02 PM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

I'm not passionate about her but I think she'd make a good president. And it would be great to have a woman in that role for the first time.

I just don't like the thought that she doesn't have a chance because she's a woman and has the bitch reputation among a lot of people--I think most of that is just straightforward gender prejudice and fear. If people are going to vote against her they ought to do it because they don't like her likely policies or they don't think she has the experience, not because she's a powerful and successful woman.

But the post was mainly a chance to poke James Dobson in the eye. The guy drives me nuts. People here in Colorado outside of Colorado Springs loathe the guy. He's just another evangelical bully like Falwell used to be. I saw a bumper sticker here the other day that read, "Focus On Your Own Family." That about sums up the way people here regard him.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Jon said...

Although I wouldn't put Dobson as far off as Falwell, I can see why people would hate him. How do you think you'd regard him if he'd stuck to parenting and marriage advice and never made forays into political bullying?

6:23 PM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

In that role he's got some good things to say, but no more than your garden variety counselor or local pastor. I think he digs money and power and likes to throw his weight around. Fundamentalists and evangelicals were marginalized for so long that you end up with lots of people like Falwell and Dobson who go nuts and get out of their depth when they get a little cash on hand.

9:38 PM  
Anonymous Eddy E said...

I think the best gift to this country is to get another Clinton in the white house. Thinking out loud: I wonder if that'll be a second chance for the christian right to right the ways they treated the first clinton. nah....

12:28 AM  
Blogger 3wishes said...

Great post and pics there Wordcat. I am not totally against Hilary Clinton but it bothers me that she married to gain the power. She called in to a radio show as she zoomed through Tulsa once during her husbands first campaign.........the way she said "Oh , I'd love Bill even if he wasnt my husband"......I had no clue who they were and I can still remember how I felt when I first heard those words and that voice. And its why I wont vote for her if she runs. I knew along time ago...gut feeling....no thanks.

6:32 PM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

Yeah, 3, lots of people seem to feel that way. I just don't have that same gut feeling about her and don't get why people feel so strongly about her. Sort of a mystery. When I ask people who really don't like her most of 'em say, "It's just a gut feeling."

I try to avoid gut feelings about political candidates. Bush always seemed like a nice guy but it was pretty clear to me before the 2004 election that he was a very poor president and that the weaknesses he had already shown would just get worse in a second term. I think a whole lot of people saw those same problems but voted for him anyway because of the gut stuff. Intuition can be overrated. Gotta go with the accomplishments and the evidence in my mind.

12:10 AM  
Anonymous vonstroh said...

I'm not a Hillary fan either, but I like your satirical dialogues in the vein of your first (NeoCon Jesus with Larry King). I've been out of the country since Dobson apparently morphed from a reputation as a "good guy who talks about family issues" to a reputation as "the new Jerry Falwell and the leader of the Religious Right". Could you write a prose (i.e. serious, not satirical) piece about how this transformation came about?

Re: presidential candidates, I'd like to pose a few questions:
1) What do you think the chances are of Gore running again? I saw "An Inconvenient Truth" here in Bangkok and it was pretty convincing. I've never voted for a Democrat yet (though I've always claimed to be independent and am getting more liberal by the day through Brian McLaren's influence), but I would vote for Gore now. Even considering it as an issue of urban poverty, if we believe Gore's movie, its the urban megacenters like Dhaka and Calcutta that will get flooded worst and it will be the urban poor who are hurt worst by global warming.
2) What do you think the chances of Brownback getting nominated, winning, or getting VP are? Brownback seems to be the foremost voice in the Senate speaking up about human rights issues like trafficking, Darfur, North Korean oppression, etc. I'd really like to see him win too. Perhaps McCain could win and name Gore Secretary of Environment (and actually give him some power) and name Brownback Secretary of Defense in a Kingdom upside down twist to the office. But yea, that dream is probably no more than a twinkle in McLaren's eye.

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Jon said...

vonstroh - I absolutely love your "McCain with a cool cabinet" plan.

7:23 PM  
Blogger 3wishes said...

My gut feeling is balanced with knowledge of the drug trade and killings in Mena, Ark.
Didnt need a gut feeling about Bush, his atrocities in Texas were clear.
Straw poll in Denton Texas says Kinky Freidman will be our next gov here. I can only hope.
Are there any independent hopefuls for the prez race?

4:03 AM  

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