Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Return of Baghdad Bob

This is Anderson Cooper with CNN's “360” broadcasting from Iraq. I’ve got a special guest tonight. Many of you know him as ‘Baghdad Bob’ or “Comical Ali.”

Baghdad Bob served as the information minister for Saddam Hussein during the US invasion of Iraq and became famous for his shameless and entertaining spin.
Here are some clips of Bob’s announcements made as American troops entered and occupied Baghdad:

"Nobody came here. Those America losers, I think their repeated frequent lies are bringing them down very rapidly.... Baghdad is secure, is safe."
There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never! Truly. I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly!”

After the war Baghdad Bob left Iraq and became a guest lecturer in Communications at Abu Dhabi U. He was recently hired by Karen Hughes, a longtime associate of President Bush. Hughes heads up the Bush Administration’s public relations efforts to improve America’s image in the Islamic world.

Welcome to my show, Baghdad Bob.

I thank you, manly and grey haired Cooper Anderson. May your effeminate competition shrivel like a fig in the noonday sun!

Uh, well, ok. Thanks.

You once worked for Saddam Hussein. Now you’re a spokesperson for the Bush administration. You’re obviously a survivor. How do you reconcile such a dramatic shift?

My father Baghdad Bill always said to me, “Young Baghdad Bob, the most important thing in life is to know which side of the pita holds the falafel.” This is wisdom Cooper Anderson.

You’re hosting your own morning talk show in Baghdad. Tell us about it.

We call it The Survive Today Show with Baghdad Bob. You know, the usual morning formula. Some cooking. Some weather. Some conversation. Up close and personal stories of beheadings and bomb blasts. Everyday stuff.

We’re getting big audience share among those few who have electricity in the morning. I think our Put The Smack Back In Iraq ad campaign really got your average Ahmad tuning in.

Many people in the US think the Bush Administration's attempts to improve America’s image through public relations campaigns are silly and counterproductive. Your 55 year old Republican boss Karen Hughes recently danced with young rappers in Morocco in a painfully staged attempt to get jiggy with the potential jihadists. A lot of people think this kind of thing is faintly ridiculous, particularly given the obvious failure of the Bush Administration’s foreign policy.

Who says such things?! May a diseased goat drag its nasty bits through their cereal! These people are impotent jackals yapping and nipping at the heels of the Great Lion Boosh. He will crush their scavenging jaws, Allah willing.

The strong majority of Americans—including an increasing number of high ranking Republicans—now believe that Iraq is a fiasco. Well meaning people on both sides of the aisle are trying to figure out how to do damage control and get out as soon as possible. They recognize that Iraq is in the midst of a civil war.

Civil war? What civil war?! There is no civil war!!

Yes, yes, there are some problems. Abdul bumps Mohammed’s sheep. Mohammed insults Abdul. Abdul calls in the relatives. Everybody gets out the AK-47’s. Tens of thousands are killed. You know how it is. Just a misunderstanding and a little overreaction. But no civil war.

Do not be fooled by the Defeatocrats with their shrunken scrotums and their skinny women congressmen who cannot suckle children. They have a bad attitude. That is their problem!

Every day in every way we get a little better. We are taking control of our lives. We will settle for nothing but the best. Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing. A stitch in time saves nine. A penny saved is a penny earned. American ends in “I Can.” There is no “I” in team. If this van starts a rockin’ don’t keep a knockin’.

You see, we know and believe in your smart American sayings and wisdom, Cooper Anderson.

With the right attitude we can accomplish anything! (begins singing to the tune of "High Hopes") Once there was a silly old ant, tried to lift a rubber tree plant. Everyone knows an ant can't lift a rubber tree plant.... You know how that funny little song ends, don't you Cooper Anderson?!

I’ve arranged for Tony Robbins, your American inspirational speaker, to do a series of conventions throughout the country next month. We’re calling it the Release Your Inner Winner Before Dinner tour.

Many in America believe the administration’s position in Iraq has degenerated into little more than optimistic slogans and inspirational spin. They believe we're offering the Iraqi people nothing but pep talks because we're powerless to bring about real change at this point. Lots of Americans are hoping for more realistic and pragmatic leadership soon that can take practical steps to limit the damage of a disastrous war. Some say it’s time for the grownups to take charge of the playground.

Spin? What Spin?! There is no spin!!

I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that the militias are putting down their arms even as we speak and joining hands to sing Blowin' in the Wind by your Bob Dylan and also other folk songs by your Tracy Chapman and the Indigo Girls.

We in Iraq have a glorious future, Cooper Anderson! (begins singing to the tune of "High Hopes") But we have high hopes, we have high hopes, we have high apple pie in the sky hopes. So anytime we're feeling bad, really feelin' bad, we just remember that ant, oh, oops there goes another rubber tree, oops there goes another rubber tree, oops there goes another rubber tree plant!


Blogger 3wishes said...

These posts are going to require a hilarity meter so we know when and where to read this great stuff Wordcat. Thanks for the laughter!

4:36 PM  
Blogger ruth said...

ha! I remember Anderson Cooper from Channel One, which was beamed into my high school classroom without my consent. (that was before he got the platinum hair.)

yes, thanks for the humor... it helps me cope.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

Yeah, gotta laugh so you don't get depressed!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

You should really find a way to syndicate these satirical sketches!

6:26 PM  
Blogger 3wishes said...

Agree with Scott.......great stuff

9:16 PM  

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