Saturday, August 12, 2006

Attack of the Wal-Martians



Tim Burton fans will remember how the human race finally stopped the relentless and invincible Martians from overrunning the entire planet in “Mars Attacks.”

They played a Slim Whitman song over and over again. After just a few seconds of exposure to country music the Martians’ heads exploded. Planet earth was saved.

Unfortunately, that same strategy won’t work on Wal-Mart. Country music just attracts even more superstores :^)

I’m not a Wal-Mart hater in the way some of you are, but I know a lot of people who’d like to see the whole empire overthrown and booted right back to Arkansas.

If you’re one of those people, take heart.

Wal-Mart officially announced the end of its operations in Germany.

I’ll pause here to allow any of you who feel so inclined to begin cheering for a minute or two.

What stopped the onslaught?

Basically, they were bleeding red ink.

Why? Well, here’s the Slim Whitman equivalent that may someday save the earth.

Turns out the Wall-Mart execs were cross-culturally clueless. Who would have thought it? :^)

A leading industry analyst described the debacle this way: “They hired an American guy to run the operation in Germany who didn’t speak German. He insisted all his German execs conduct business in English. They got rid of him and then hired an Englishmen to run the show. They never figured out that the Germans hate overly cheery staffers and really hate having staffers hovering at their elbow while they shop. The Germans like to shop on their own and feel like less is more when it comes to emotional expressiveness. Morale inside German Wal-Mart was terrible and customers got turned off by the sales practices. ”

I like the Germans’ style. I sometimes have the urge to slap one of those ridiculous greeters.

Now you hard core anti-globalists know what you’ve got to do.

Up the cross-cultural cluelessness quotient at Sam's club.

Find a way to infiltrate Wal-Mart’s executive structure with as many ex-Southern Baptists missionaries as possible.

Throw in some high ranking members of the current Department of Defense.

Then sit back and watch the Wal-Martians heads start to explode all over the globe :^)

6 Comments:

Blogger limco said...

I wish that WalMart would go packing and I'm glad they failed in Germany. They may be leaving Chicago also since the city is requiring big box stores that make huge profits to pay their workers a livable wage. Imagine a WalMart employee taking home $10 an hour and being able to buy groceries? Their solution to that kind of government interference is to get the heck out of Chicago. If every other American city would follow Chicago then WalMart and stores like it would be forced to treat their workers better. If they did pay a better wage then shoppers wouldn't get such low prices and in the end I think the shoppers want the discount. As a whole our countries leaders can't even get the minimum wage increased. WalMart must be rejoicing the defeat of that bill.

5:17 PM  
Blogger 3wishes said...

Lets call a spade a spade. I dont really think the upscale stores want John q Public running amuck. Let us keep Walmart so the masses arnt bothering us while shopping. It's not fun to shop at Walmart but if you are fiscally conservative you just swallow that bitter pill and use the self-check out lines so as not to actually have to speak to anyone. Then for fun you go to the Mall with the real winners. You know, the ones that are 80 thous in debt but drive that Hummer like its theirs.

9:25 PM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

I think you've put your Republican party membership at risk, Limco. Consider the consequences.

Sounds like you think we've got a bubble and debt economy, 3. Hard to see where you'd get that kind of crazy idea.

"Let's keep Wal-Mart so the masses aren't bothering us while we're shopping."

That's funny :^)

9:50 PM  
Blogger anhomily said...

thankfully, I have been spared from Wal-mart exposure for most of my life, and particularly over the last 2 years, but I think this is hilarious, and quite bitingly satirical. I like.

6:13 AM  
Blogger limco said...

I hope that Republican party membership never materializes. I must agree that the few times I've been in WalMart I have clearly felt that I was shopping with the masses. My first experience there involved a boy of about ten asking his mom if he could go look at video games while she shopped. She said yes and he ran off. The woman with her said she was crazy to let him do that because these stores are full of perverts. The mom thought for a second and shouted very loudly at the boy " If anybody touches you just kick 'em in the nuts!" John q Public does like to avoid such parental wisdom.

4:37 PM  
Blogger Wordcat said...

Kick him in the nuts?

I think you've blown your evangelical cover too limco.

Behave :^)

8:44 PM  

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