Attack of the Wal-Martians

Tim Burton fans will remember how the human race finally stopped the relentless and invincible Martians from overrunning the entire planet in “Mars Attacks.”

They played a Slim Whitman song over and over again. After just a few seconds of exposure to country music the Martians’ heads exploded. Planet earth was saved.

Unfortunately, that same strategy won’t work on Wal-Mart. Country music just attracts even more superstores :^)

I’m not a Wal-Mart hater in the way some of you are, but I know a lot of people who’d like to see the whole empire overthrown and booted right back to Arkansas.

If you’re one of those people, take heart.

Wal-Mart officially announced the end of its operations in Germany.

I’ll pause here to allow any of you who feel so inclined to begin cheering for a minute or two.

What stopped the onslaught?

Basically, they were bleeding red ink.

Why? Well, here’s the Slim Whitman equivalent that may someday save the earth.

Turns out the Wall-Mart execs were cross-culturally clueless. Who would have thought it? :^)

A leading industry analyst described the debacle this way: “They hired an American guy to run the operation in Germany who didn’t speak German. He insisted all his German execs conduct business in English. They got rid of him and then hired an Englishmen to run the show. They never figured out that the Germans hate overly cheery staffers and really hate having staffers hovering at their elbow while they shop. The Germans like to shop on their own and feel like less is more when it comes to emotional expressiveness. Morale inside German Wal-Mart was terrible and customers got turned off by the sales practices. ”

I like the Germans’ style. I sometimes have the urge to slap one of those ridiculous greeters.

Now you hard core anti-globalists know what you’ve got to do.

Up the cross-cultural cluelessness quotient at Sam's club.

Find a way to infiltrate Wal-Mart’s executive structure with as many ex-Southern Baptists missionaries as possible.

Throw in some high ranking members of the current Department of Defense.

Then sit back and watch the Wal-Martians heads start to explode all over the globe :^)