Confessions of Neo-Conservative Jesus

I’d like to welcome a first time guest, Neo-Conservative Jesus.


Thanks Larry. I appreciate a chance to do the show.

Why the name “Neo-Conservative Jesus?” Why not just Jesus?

Good question Larry.

It’s sort of like the Elvis tribute shows. We pay tribute to “The King” by imitating some of his moves. People like it. I'm not the King but I try to get people to believe I'm the King. Entertains 'em and makes 'em feel good, even if just for a few hours or years.

You said ‘we’ pay tribute to the King.


Oh yeah. A lot of us do Jesus for a living. I get a chance to work with Kansas School Board Jesus quite a bit. And sometimes you get a chance to go old skool with somebody like International Socialist Jesus. And then you’ve got the ancients. Got lunch with Spanish Inquisition Jesus. That was a real thrill.


So you’re a Jesus impersonator?


Well, that’s what some people like to call us (laughs loudly).

But we don’t like to use that term. We’re all professionals. We’ve got a lot of pride in what we do.


Have you ever met, you know, the real Jesus?


No, not really. But I've studied some of his movies.


I can appreciate that. But you mentioned imitating Jesus’ moves. How do you think your version compares with other Jesus takes?


Some of us do it better than others. Pretty much like the Elvis freaks. It’s pretty hard for those guys to get that hip swivel thing and snarled lip down just right. Very similar challenge with Jesus but maybe even tougher. I can't say where I rank but some folks obviously enjoy it.


From reading the trade dailies I know you’ve been doing pretty well recently. How’s it feel to finally break through? It must be sweet.


It’s very gratifying, Larry. Over the past five years only National Rifle Association Jesus has bigger numbers among church goers. Tens of millions worship me every week. It’s great to see the people recognize all the hard work. I’m very grateful. I can remember working small, weird right wing congregations in Texas. I’ve come a long way.


Let's move beyond entertainment for just a second. What’s your take on our post 9/11 foreign policy?


Well, that’s the thing, Larry. I know I'm supposed to have a clear take on all that, but I’m not sure what to think anymore. Don't want to let my worshippers down but I'm not sure what in the hell is going on over there.


How so?


Larry, I'll admit this right here to your nationwide audience. If I have a weakness, it's that sometimes I trust too much.

They said dropping the bunker busters and passing out the bibles to survivors and then setting up the Rotary Clubs would stop all those violent crazy ass towel heads and camel jockeys. Geez, I gave 'em the religious cover that made it all politically possible. Without me its Bill Kristol and a couple of guys ranting in print over at The Weekly Standard

Sounds like you’re having your doubts.


I confess, Larry. I'm not sure we have a clue what we're doing.

Do you remember what Rumsfeld said? "There are things we know that we know. And things we know that we don’t know. And things we don’t know that we don’t know."

I’m starting to think we don’t know what we don’t know. The truth is, maybe we don't know Shi'ite.