Mysteries of the Gym

• Why do women buy expensive and revealing workout suits and then inevitably wrap an old sweatshirt or sweater around their waists, covering themselves all the way down to the back of their knees?

• Why the same old, same old techno or disco beat all the time? How come you never hear bluegrass or a polka at a health club?

• Why are the few men in the step aerobics class always uncoordinated nimrods?

• Why do some people sit on a stationery bike for a half hour talking to a friend and then leave without actually exercising?

• Why don’t gyms ever hire a Mensa type to work at the front desk?

• Why does the guy with the locker right next to yours always show up when you’re getting dressed, thereby forcing both of you into an impromptu game of Twister in order to get your gym clothes on? Why does it always happen when the rest of the locker room is empty? I refer to this regular experience as “The Law of the Locker Room.”

• Why do so many guys have ‘gym bodies’ that are bulky and pretty much useless for any real sport outside the gym?

• In a place meant to make you feel better, why do so many people spend so much time looking at themselves reproachfully in the mirror?

• Why do women—who rarely perspire much—spend so much time spraying the machines with disinfectant and wiping them down carefully after they use them while most men—who sweat a lot—give the machines a quick swipe with an already sweat soaked towel and then move on?

• Why is it always the guy lifting the lightest free weight who makes the loudest ‘Bulgarian weight lifter’ yell?