Sacred Briefs and the Oval Office

Boston (CNN)

Leading Republican presidential hopeful and Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney reassured voters today that his Mormon faith was ‘in the Judeo-Christian mainstream’ and wouldn’t negatively affect his ability to govern from the Oval Office.

Speaking at a noontime press conference, Romney addressed concerns raised by Time magazine columnist Andrew Sullivan, one of the nation’s leading political bloggers, who ignited an online firestorm in a series of recent posts about Romney’s Mormon faith. Sullivan raised doubts about Romney’s viability with “the theocons”
who make up a significant portion of the Republican Party’s base.

“Mormonism is as American as apple pie and long, drawn out military quagmires, “said Romney. “I believe my faith is a particularly American version of Christianity and when conservative religious voters understand that I share their same values of hard work, family, and overeating I believe they will support my candidacy. I look forward to working with them to impose our version of moralism on the entire country.”

Some of Romney’s critics on both left and right have challenged what they believe are Mormonism’s recent history of overt racism, unusual religious practices such as wearing ‘sacred underwear’ covered in religious symbolism, and the religion’s ‘strange’ theology and founding story. Romney’s critics have expressed concern about the viability of a candidate or president who holds such unorthodox views and have wondered about Romney’s independence from Latter Day Saints leadership.

“I think many of us remember the opposition John Kennedy received when he ran for president in 1960 as a Catholic. I believe the opposition I’m receiving right now comes from the same source. It’s simply unenlightened prejudice combined with jealousy over my youthful yet seasoned appearance,” asserted Romney.

“I mean, it’s true that my church systematically excluded blacks from the priesthood and from all Mormon temples until 1978. But who remembers or cares now? Come on, ‘Fantasy Island’ and ‘Dallas’ were still on TV. We’re talking ancient history here.”

“And what’s so ‘out of the mainstream’ or ‘un-Judeo-Christian’ about believing that God lives on a planet near the star Kolob or that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon from ‘Reformed Egyptian’ by peering through a pair of magical stones? Loopy religion? If you want loopy check out Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch. In any case, what does any of this have to do with my ability to govern?”

A Romney spokesperson, Brigham Younger, took reporters’ questions after the speech and addressed the issue of the Governor’s underwear. “Actually, Governor Romney favors silk briefs that give him a kind of luxuriant tactile sensation throughout a long day of campaigning.”